I started deconstructing my religion in 2020. Churches shut down and conincidently so did my panic attacks. My body was screaming at me to listen to her to get to a place of safety. When I finally gave my body a voice I knew the message was that I was a part of system that wasn’t working for me anymore. I wanted to hear from woman about the heart of God, I wanted diversity and inclusion and I wanted to feel free to be my most authentic self. Through my deconstruction process I wrote poetry as a way to process and express parts of myself I wasn’t able to before. This one is about healing from an eating disorder and body dysmorphia.
“She will ask you if she is pretty?
Because she thought pretty was a prerequisite for love.
The gateway to the promised land. The one with milk and honey her Sunday school teacher preached about.
“I won’t survive in the desert” she’ll think and then go home to map out a plan for “how to live a good life.”
Husband, children, house, friends… that’s what make a life. So she’ll set out to find that Prince, the one that will check off all the boxes, buy her a home and make her a mother.
Where do I find one of these men? A small pond they say. Pay them a lot of money and they will let you swim in their pond. Some of the water in this pond is toxic but the running joke was “ring by spring or your money back.” The lucky girls got the bling.
So she sets out with her hopes and dreams packed up in a box with books, pens, Bible and highlighters.
“I will go here and find love so i can make a family and have a good life.” She’ll write in her journal. A year passes of swimming in the pond and she has 0 dates to show for it. “What must I do”, she asks, “why doesn’t anyone notice me?”
Because you’re slightly too big they say. “Skinny” is what is “pretty” in this pond. Go away, get smaller, come back and then you will meet your husband, have a home and start a family. Then you will have a good life.
She goes home works even harder, runs farther, eats less and sacrifices more so she can get smaller and swim back to the toxic pond to find herself a man.
When she arrives back she is the thinnest in the pond which means she must be the prettiest.
She was finally the right size.
She walked the line perfectly of meek with a side of moxie.
She will surely find a husband, have a home and be happy.
The only thing was now she didn’t know how to let anyone in; her obsession with thinness took all her energy.
She was afraid of her body.
She was trapped in a cage like a pretty bird that you can look at but not touch.
What will she do now?
She will cry because she feels lost. Stuck at a fork in a road of quick sand.
She will cry and eat her feelings like loneliness was a birthday cake you could eat goodbye.
She will get slightly bigger and the boys will stop calling because she blends in with the crowd. Nothing makes her special now… just a flash in the pan feeling of winning first place for the first time.
She will win and lose many times over but not because of anyone else. She will win and lose because she is trying to fix herself for others to become pretty, to get a man and a house and a family so she could have a good life and be happy.
The cycle of listening to her own abusive thoughts made her sick….Well that and all the late nights returning to the kitchen like it was a warm blanket. “This isn’t working”, she will say. I’m tired of this mold I’m trying to fit into.
There comes a day when she says f*ck it! I’m living for me! I don’t need a man I just need me.
When she lets go of the reigns she is finally free the gift of mercy she gave to herself to be who she was always meant to be.”
Thank you for listening and reading. I hope this makes you feel seen.
With love and healing,
Chrissy
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